The World that Never Was

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 19:59:48 GMT

Lately, I've been feeling very...domestic. I don't know. All I want to do is cook, and clean. And get married. Lately I can't stop thinking about how much I want a family...how much I want a blonde little boy, and two brothers for him to rough around with. I want three boys, just like in Legends of the Fall. And a little sister for them to look after, for my husband to dote on and adore; a pretty little girl to be the apple of her daddy's eye. I want a big, beautiful yard for them to play in and a big, stupid dog for them to play with.

I feel so weird, wanting this so badly. I'm barely 21. I have more than enough time. I don't want to rush this, obviously, and I still strongly feel that I don't even want to consider any of this for at least five years. But I can't stop thinking ahead, and getting myself excited for all of this.

I can't wait to grow up. It's strange. I don't know...I just had to get this out there, I guess.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:51:00 GMT

I'm sick. Again. And so I've spent the whole day sitting around watching crappy, sappy movies and crying my eyes out.

I need to come up with a plan. A "let's focus on improving myself instead of remembering how happy I used to be and hating that the reason for that happiness has removed himself from the picture" plan. I need to get better.

I want to be strong and happy again.

But I still miss him so much. I'm having trouble getting over this, I think, because it hurts so much that I can't help but think that I must be better off with him...that nothing could possibly hurt this much except losing the one person who was meant to make you feel complete.

The logical part of me knows this is ridiculous...that we'd only been dating for three months, and were never serious enough for me to even consider that...but the romantic part of me is nearly convinced that I loved - and still do love - him. That I just need to wait...

I don't know. I don't know what to think, what to do, what to...I just...don't know.

Fuck. I've been trying so hard not to admit that I've actually thought I might love him, that I'm just pretending whenever I tell myself I'll get over him and eventually move on and find the real love of my life. I don't know how it feels having put it out there now...

I'm going to nap. And when I wake up, I'll start working on that plan.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:23:34 GMT

Dear Jessie's Heart:

I would greatly appreciate it if you'd stop conspiring against me. Please?

Thanks,
Jessie's Emotional Well-Being

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 02:03:46 GMT

I am falling apart.

Honestly. Here are the things I've suffered in the past month:

-at least seven separate cases of having what is likely an allergic reaction to a food I have not identified yet, which consists of me feeling fine, and then suddenly feeling like there is a stone in my stomache, becoming violently ill until I am dry heaving, and then feeling absolutely fine again
-food poisoning from undercooked lobster
-an ear infection
-an emotional meltdown, which ended with me calling Brendan up in tears and practically begging him to come back from Florida
-a flat tire which canceled by plans to visit my darling Lizz, and apparently cannot be fixed, forcing me to spend $400+ on a new set of tires
-a break-out of hives which has taken over my leg, and is caused by yet another unknown food

I honestly have no idea what to do with myself. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm already immensely stressed because of school, and I am miserably, miserably lonely.

I can't wait for the Aquadome to open. At least then I'll have work every day that I am not in school, and therefore will hopefully be so bogged down by all of the schoolwork I have to get done in my very limited free time that I will no longer notice how utterly lonely I am now that everyone has gone back to college, Brendan has moved to Florida, and Adam has apparently decided that we can't be friends for now.

...time to add another emotional breakdown to my list.

God, I am such a pile of misery lately.

All I wish, is that I could get back to being who I was before Adam broke up with me. I liked that girl. I loved that girl.

I don't know where she is now...

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:22:21 GMT

A few weeks ago, I realized something that was rather terrifying:

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

For so long, all I had thought to do, all I had wanted to do, what I lived to do, was to write. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to spend my life in front of a typewriter, blazing my way through books and drawing everything I could from them, learning from them and then creating my own stories. And for all that time, I loved writing for one reason. Everything in writing and in reading is so internal...so malleable and open, so completely intangible.

But now, the thought that there really isn't a physical representation of my efforts, and that my words can be bent and twisted to suit the needs of whoever reads them, depresses me. At the same time, though, the thought of not writing upsets me just as much, if not more so. And I know many people my age have no idea what they want to do with their lives, so it may not seem that big of a deal...but I did know. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to go, and I'd known for years. But then everything changed, and suddenly that security was ripped away from me.

Then I started reading Italo Calvino's If on a winter's night a traveler... again, and I met a character who uses old books to make sculptures, and the wheels started turning. I thought that I could be a sculptor, and use pages from old books to make paper mache sculptures...but that wasn't enough. So I thought, maybe I could make my own paper by recycling old books and use that for paper mache...

But why stop there? Why not just make my own paper out of every fibre I can get my hands on? And why stop there, when I could take this paper, and turn it into a full-fledged book. And so my new plan is to transfer to either University of Maine at Machias, or Columbia College in Chicago, and to switch my major from English to Book Arts (Papermaking, Printing, Bookbinding, etc.)

I realized that writing novels was just not enough anymore. I have to make books. I want to create every single aspect of the book. The paper, the binding, the writing, the printing...I want it all to come from me.

And then today just sealed the deal. Last semester my English class was just so full of novels that concentrated on nothing but the miseries life offers up, and on attempting to evoke some sort of pity in the reader, and I got so sick of it. I strongly believe that misery cannout be asuaged by concentrating on it, even if that concentration is given to misery in an attempt to release it through writing. So, I was very much so looking forward to moving on to the next English course, and possibly studying something less depressing.

Then, Southern decided to finally assign a professor to my course...and so the general subject of "American Literature" was tightened into "Literature of the Mexican-US Border", and it was too late for me to switch out, since I've already loaded my schedule to the brim and nothing else could possibly fit in that time slot. I was willing to give it a shot, I guess, but the first class changed that. We read a poem I now forget the name of, and it was exactly what I expected from the course:

"Wah wah, life sucked in Mexico, and now that we're in America it still sucks because I'm still unwilling to take the necessary measures to make my life fulfilling and happy."

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against immigration, and I know there are millions of immigrants that greatly appreciate our country and take full advantage of the opportunities it offers them, and I know there are those who are unfortunate enough not to encounter these opportunities...but the ones who fall into that latter category and are hard-working and sturdy enough to keep at it and attempt to create their own opportunities never seem to feel the need to write about it, and so it seems literature is left with the misery and pity-fishing of those who are unwilling to take life by the reins and really do something about their situation. And, based on my studies in the field so far, I feel this applies to all genres of literature, and all of the situations these different genres/styles might discuss.

And so that was the final straw. I just can't deal with the misery anymore. It's far too depressing, and it frustrates me.

So if I do not get into UMM or Columbia I...I just don't know what I'll do, really. If I have to stay at Southern, then I will most certainly still be changing majors, and I'll find a way to pursue the Book Arts outside of school, or in a graduate program. But if that is the case, then I'm really not sure what I'll do for my major. I know it seems silly to change this late in the game, but I'm really not too far into my English degree anyway; I've mostly been trying to knock away core courses and GenEd requirements. As of right now, I'm considering maybe switching to Anthropology with a concentration in Linguistics, or maybe a Studio Arts major with a concentration in Jewelry/Metalsmithing.

But really...I don't know.

I better get in to UMM or Columbia. :S

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:11:43 GMT

I need to get out of here, I think. Out of Branford.

Not right now...and not for good. I think I just need to...go away. I need to find somewhere else to be, like for the school year. I need to transfer out of Southern and go away for school. I don't do well being here all the time. I need to find somewhere new, somewhere of my own.

Somewhere where there's nothing holding me back and keeping me from moving on. I might as well still be in high school, and I was finally getting sick of it...but then I thought I found something that made staying in Branford feel good, and right.

But now it's a reason - really, the reason - I need to get out of here.

God damnit. I was doing so well. I mean, I did have a bit of a breakdown the other day...but that was just an off day. It was "every tiny little thing makes Jessie sorrowful because she has major PMS" day. But for some reason, these past two days have been hell.

Sorry that my updates have been pretty much non-stop angst and broken hearts and woe and sorrow and self-pity since May 3rd. :/

Here I am again with more sorrow and broken-heartedness!

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:45:11 GMT

I thought I was doing so much better, but it turns out I was just keeping myself too busy to think about how upset I still am. It blows. Now that I've found myself with some alone-time I'm still really...broken-hearted. I don't want to be this way. I just want to move on, and be happy again.

I'm not unhappy, really...not overall anyway...but then again, I was never as happy - even outside of the romantic aspect of my life - as I was during those four-ish months. I want to be able to get that back. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that it'll take time, and everything will work out for the best and eventually be the way it's meant to be.

I'm just having a hard time believing that the way it was is not the way it's meant to be...

Hoorah!

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 06:43:31 GMT

I had a fantastic day today. It was really excellent, and for the first time I actually feel good about the Adam situation, and not just "better".

Especially since I just found this survey that saku_teiki posted, and I am going to be posting myself, now. Because question number 10 is "What is your philosophy on life?", which reminded me of my forgotten philosophy, and remembering it made me feel even better:

"Fall in love as often as possible, because even unrequited, difficult, or painful love has a thread of beauty running through it."

So, here is the survey and a giant, genuine smile for all of you.

Fill it out in a comment, pleasies! They will be screened just in case there's some info you people don't want to be seen by others.

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 04:08:29 GMT

I thought this shit was supposed to get easier with time, not more difficult...

However, I'm willing to admit this change is most likely due to the fact that I'm starting to feel like the "ex" who just happens to still be friends with him, when really, I want to be the friend who just happens to be an "ex". If that makes any sense at all. But then again, there's also the distinct possibility that it just feels this way because he and I have never really been "just friends" and so things feel different just because what I expected was based on when we were interested in each other but not together.

Remember that time I said I was done talking about this in my Livejournal? Ha.

Meme!!

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 22:13:58 GMT

I'm sickly and bored and so I stole this meme from saku_teiki !!

1. You can ONLY answer 'Yes' or 'No'.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments you and asks— and, believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming. Nothing is exactly as it seems.

Kissed any one of your LiveJournal friends? — Yes
Been arrested? — No
Kissed someone you didn't like? — Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? — Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — Yes
Held a snake? — Yes
Ran a red light? — Yes
Been suspended from school? — No
Experienced love at first sight? — No
Totaled your car in an accident? — No
Been fired from a job? — No
Fired somebody? — No
Sung karaoke? — No
Pointed a gun at someone? — No
Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? — Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — Yes
Kissed in the rain? — No
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — No
Saw someone die? — No
Played Spin-the-Bottle? — Yes
Smoked a cigar? — No
Sat on a rooftop? — Yes
Smuggled something into another country? — No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? — Yes
Broken a bone? — No
Skipped school? — Yes
Eaten a bug? — Yes
Sleepwalked? — No
Walked on a moonlit beach? — Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? — No
Dumped someone? — Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? — No
Lied to avoid a ticket? — No
Ridden in a helicopter? — No
Shaved your head? — No
Blacked out from drinking? — Yes
Played a prank on someone? — Yes
Hit a home run? — No
Felt like killing someone? — Yes
Cross-dressed? — No
Been falling-down drunk? — Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — Yes
Eaten snake? — No
Marched/Protested? — Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — Yes
Puked on an amusement ride? — No
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — Yes
Knitted? — Yes
Been on TV? — No
Shot a gun? — No
Skinny-dipped? — Yes
Given someone stitches? — No
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? — No
Ridden a surfboard? — No
Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? — Yes
Had surgery? — No
Streaked? — No
Been taken by ambulance to a hospital? — No
Tripped on mushrooms? — No
Passed out when NOT drinking? — Yes
Peed on a bush? — Yes
Donated Blood? — No
Grabbed electric fence? — No
Eaten alligator meat? - Yes
Eaten cheesecake? — Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? — No
Peed your pants in public? — Yes
Snuck into a movie without paying? - Yes
Written graffiti? — No
Still love someone you shouldn't? — Yes
Think about the future? — Yes
Been in handcuffs? — Yes
Believe in love? — Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? — Yes

There's a point to this story, I promise...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:37:54 GMT

So, my sister and her boyfriend were hanging out in the living room this evening. I was upstairs in my bedroom taking a nap, because I've been feeling rather ill all day. And then I'm woken up by Kelley screaming and crying and thundering through the house...

Apparently she had kicked over a cup of soda that was on the coffee table, and had flipped out trying to get paper towels in time to stop the soda from doing whatever she thought it was going to do to the coffee table. So she felt it necessary to scream "I'm dead, I'm in so much trouble" over and over and sprint into the kitchen, where she was so desperate to get the paper towels that she pulled the roll holder clear off the wall, thereby knocking over a box of pasta, which spilled all over the floor.

When I came downstairs to find all this out, I figured the least I could do was clean up the pasta - since I had accidentally left it out after making myself lunch today. Unfortunately, I also had the brilliant idea to try and talk Kelley down, get her to be a little more rational about the situation. She just started yelling at me about how the entire thing was my fault for leaving the pasta out. So I admitted that yes, I should have put the pasta away when I was done with it, but that she wouldn't have knocked it over if she hadn't over-reacted to spilling the soda.

Which was the. worst. idea. ever. Because, she then started yelling and crying about how awful I am and how living with me has made her fucked up and crazy...

...and through it all, her boyfriend, Dan, tried his hardest to calm her down, make her feel better, and he was so incredibly sweet and patient about it, and it was so obvious that he really cares about her quite a lot. And so, I just completely broke down, because the only thought I could think at that moment in time, while seeing him be so patient and wonderful with her, was:

"How can someone so self-absorbed and, let's say it, just plain bitchy as my sister find someone so sweet and kind who clearly cares about her so much, when the only person who has ever come close to loving me couldn't stop himself from comparing me to someone else, and finding that I just did not measure up?"

I lost it. I could not keep it together, once I had thought that. I have never cried as much in my entire life as I did because of that thought.

And then, all I could do was hate myself for thinking that. For attempting to rationalize something like love (not that I'm going to call what either Kelley and Dan have or Adam and I had love), for thinking that the way you act in one section of your life could possibly guarantee what you get out of the rest of life...for even having the thought in the first place. I used to pride myself on the fact that, despite being such a fantastically hopeless romantic, I never really thought like that...that everyone thing was always "What happens happens", "If it's meant to be, it will be", and all that instead of "Why isn't it? Don't I deserve this?"

But nowadays, it seems the only thoughts I can think are self-pitying and despairing and longing for something I know I can't have. Okay, so I've always done that last part, but it was always kind of wistful and never as desperate and dark as it is now...and I hate it.

I want to fix myself. I'm going to go try and figure out how to do that...

Fri, 29 May 2009 05:46:20 GMT

It really, really bothers me that I'm still so fantastically upset by this situation. Well, I mean, obviously it's going to take time. But I feel like I've made little to no progress so far, and I don't want to be this way forever.

I still can't stop thinking of him and wishing that everything will change, hoping that if I just hang in here and wait it out a bit longer...

I reread The Time Traveler's Wife yesterday which was definitely the worst idea...even worse than when I watched The Fountain twice in a row the morning after the "break up". But it's just toooooo beautiful. I couldn't help it. Although, it was definitely not helpful, considering it just made waiting seem like a much better, grander, more sweepingly romantic idea, and I should probably be trying to walk away from that...honestly, though, I don't want to.

So here's a poem. Love After Love by Derek WalcIott. Audrey Niffenegger included it before the dedication of Time Traveler's Wife, and I think it presents an idea/feeling I should be focusing on right now...

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in you own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Stolen from the Lizz-face!!

Tue, 26 May 2009 14:19:23 GMT

FIRSTS

1. Who was your 1st prom date?
Katie Hackley, yo!

2. Do you still talk to your 1st love?
Yuppers...not as much as I'd like to, though. :/

3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
Rum and Coke.

4. What was your 1st job?
Folding clothes at Jason's Dry Cleaners.

5. What was your 1st car?
My loverly little Subaru Outback. The Mach 0.

6. Who was the 1st person to text you today?
No one, so far

7. Who is the 1st person you thought of this morning?
Adam

8.Who was your 1st grade teacher?
Ms. Mulchahy. I have no idea if that's actually how you spell her last name.

9. Where did you go on your 1st ride on an airplane?
Connecticut. My Grandma had moved to Florida and we drove her car down for her, then flew back home.

10. Who was your 1st best friend?
Miles. I don't remember his last name right now...

11. Where was your 1st sleep over?
Gosh, I can't remember at all. Probably Miles's...

12. Who was the 1st person you talked to today?
Brendawg!

13. Whose wedding were you in the 1st time?
I've never really been in a wedding...I played flute for my Uncle Frank and Aunt Karen's though...

14. What was the 1st thing you did this morning?
Watched a movie. The Other Boleyn Girl, to be precise.

15. What was the first concert you went to?
David Bowie!!

16. 1st tattoo?
Don't got one...but I plan on a butterfly, for my cousin. Don't know where I'll put it yet.

17. 1st piercing?
Ears.

18. 1st foreign country you've been to?
I was in Aruba when I was an itsy, bitsy baby. But the first I remember would be Austria.

19. 1st movie you remember seeing?
I don't quite recall, but it's probably either Peter Pan or The Wizard of Oz.

20. When was your 1st detention?
Eighth grade. I got a detention from Mrs. Gallagher for not returning a library book on time. What a bitch.

21. Where did you 1st live?
Some little apartment in Wilton. I don't know the address because we moved when I was two.

22. Who was your 1st roommate?
JenJen

23. What was your 1st school?
Does PreSchool count? If so, Pine Orchard. If not, Mary T. Murphy.

24. Who was your 1st kiss?
Nick Camp :/

25. What was the 1st thing you ate today?
I have not yet eaten, but it will probably be either frozen waffles or scrambled eggs with hot sauce.

Tue, 19 May 2009 17:27:36 GMT

I picked up my flute for the first time in...five?...years today. It felt fantastic, but was also kind of disappointing. Actually, it was really disappointing. My tone was horrendous. All my notes were so airy and yucky. It kind of made me want to cry, actually. I used to get so many compliments about how beautiful my tone was for someone so young and relatively inexperienced, so it felt absolutely devastating to hear myself playing with such a disgusting tone. I mean, obviously I expected to be not-quite-as-good as I was years ago, but I didn't quite prepare myself for this degree of regression.

So I went out and bought a few practice books specifically designed for improving tone...and I'll set aside two hours of practice time every day from now on. I didn't realize how much I missed playing...until I picked up Dance of the Blessed Spirits/Orphee et Eurydice. That was my absolute favourite way back in the day, and it's still so beautiful and moving. I want to be able to play it even better than I could before.

I wonder how accurately I could teach myself to double-tongue...

Man, I wish Cindy hadn't moved to Virginia. If she were still around and I hadn't had to search for another teacher as excellent as she was (which was a futile search, evidently) then I wonder if I'd have kept at it with the flute.

New Biggest Regret: Giving up flute lessons.

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:25:48 GMT

Well, I suppose it's nice to have some real closure...

Wow. Um...I honestly have no idea what I feel/think right now. :/

Sun, 17 May 2009 19:47:25 GMT

I have deduced that there is a direct correlation between the cleanliness of my room and the state of my romantic life...

Thu, 14 May 2009 16:46:24 GMT

Hm.

Well, things seem to better. Not things, actually...but I seem to be feeling better. At least a little bit.

Which, strangely enough, scares me...I don't want to move on. Obviously I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable about this, and my feelings for him haven't changed. I guess...I'm just afraid that now that I feel like I'm actually moving forward - now that I'm in a place where I'm starting to feel better about the fact that we will most likely remain 'just friends' - the next logical step is that I'll start really getting over him.

And for some reason, that absolutely terrifies me. Like, I don't want to lose that. Even if it's - at this point in time, and possibly for...(I'm not going to say 'ever' because saying that will destroy me)...a long while to come - unrequited, loving him feels right.

Okay, new plan. I stop talking writing about this here. Because all it does is make me over-think everything even more than I already am. So, instead, I'm gonna go watch a funny, uplifting movie, read a fantastic book, or take a nap. Do something that will make me feel better and keep my mind off of all of this, even if it's only for a while.

Sun, 10 May 2009 14:06:50 GMT

I hate that this is still driving me nuts. I just want this to be over with....

The worst part is, if it were anyone else that was putting me through this, he would be the first person I'd turn to for help/support.

I can't stand this. I've never hurt this much. I can't eat, I either sleep way too much, or not at all. Yesterday was torture. Everyone in my family knew about it, and was ridiculously inconsiderate. Not one of my aunts failed to make me cry by asking far too many questions and making far too many generic "he's clearly not good enough for you" comments. And then there's the fact that my Aunt Mary Lou's stepson just moved in with her and so she was gabbing about him all night, nonstop...and guess what step-cousin's name just happens to be? How convenient.

I can't tell if it will be more painful seeing him again, or remaining without him, even as just a friend, for any longer than I already have...

Which brings up one issue that was plaguing me a lot yesterday. Namely, I don't know how to be "just friends" with him. He and I have never been "just friends". There has always been something else there. From the first moment he walked into Common Grounds to see Inez until last Sunday, there has always been something extra between us, and I can't for the life of me begin to imagine what it will be like without that...I can't even pretend to think it won't still be there.

And then there's the letter...still no word from him on that subject. I can't tell which scenario I prefer - the one where he's completely oblivious and it's been sitting on his kitchen table since Wednesday without catching his attention, the one where for some reason he just can't bring himself to read it, or the one where he's already read it and just has nothing to say about its contents. And then there's the other scenario; he's already read it, but isn't sure what he thinks about it. Which I know I don't want the case to be...even though that scenario seems the most...promising? Hopeful?...I don't want it to be that way, because if I find out that things are like that still, I'll just spend the next week killing myself with food/sleep deprivation and crying my goddamned eyes out.

And, God, there's one other thing that's been killing me, and all I want to do is call him up and weep at him about it. He said he didn't want to cheat me out of what I deserved to have in a relationship...but he based this entire situation on a two-week period of time in which we saw each other only once; a night when we'd gotten together at 11, were already tired, watched a horrendously depressing movie, and then he received a phone call from his ex whom he was once 'madly in love' with. Of course that night was going to be awkward and stilted and horrific. So I feel cheated anyway, because I feel like that one night would have been horrible no matter what shape his feelings for me were in, and thinking that he's unwilling to realize that and to just consider that maybe if we spent a little more time together, under better circumstances, things might still be the way they were before that night absolutely destroys me.

:sigh: I really didn't want to rant about this as much as I did. I intended for this entry to be a typical, angsty, vague one-liner....but there's still so much I feel like I need to say on the subject, and I feel like I'm starting to deplete my venting resources...and I don't know if I'm ready - or if it's even a good idea - to discuss any of this with him yet.

I need some breakfast...but I'm just not hungry. I thought I was getting better, because I actually ate three full meals yesterday, but that stupid Communion party wrecked me.

Fuck, this sucks.

Mon, 04 May 2009 16:45:29 GMT

Dear Boys:

You are the worst.

Sincerely, Jessie

Mon, 04 May 2009 05:04:40 GMT

I feel like a pile of melted ice cream...

But I'm going to be okay....I think.

I hope. :/

I'm Pissed. :pout:

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 20:15:21 GMT

So in early February I called my doctor to make an appointment, and the earliest one available was for May 8th. Yesterday they called me and told me that there was a "conflict with Dr. Cron's existing schedule" and so I had to reschedule my appointment. Now, I actually haven't seen Dr. Cron yet, and so I asked if there were any other doctors accepting new patients and to be scheduled for the earliest time available. Which is apparently JUNE 12TH.

Like, seriously? I scheduled this appointment about THREE MONTHS ago, and now because of something completely outside of MY control, I can't get another one for another month and a half? What the fuck? I tried to be really polite about asking if there were any other possible appointment times that were any earlier, but the receptionist was very uppity so I said "I'm sorry if I'm being difficult, it's just that I scheduled this appointment a couple months ago and it's really inconvenient for me to have to wait another month and a half." Which made her even more uppity. Well, excuse me lady, but it's not my fault that I had to rescheduled. In fact, it is yours, because you were an ass-hat and scheduled my first appointment for a time my doctor couldn't actually meet me at.

So now I'm pissed and ranting and now I'm going to go wait around for a month and a half, hoping that receptionist bitch doesn't make me re-reschedule.

:pout:

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:28:49 GMT

So I've decided to start a LiveJournal for those Love Letters I mentioned in my last entry.

For those of you who might be interested:

les_billet_doux

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:29:13 GMT

So I Stumbled this fantastic website today:

300 Love Letters

It's a project in which some girl decided to write 300 love letters - to lovers, friends, family, strangers, and even people she disliked. (After finishing 300 letters she found it wasn't enough and actually ended up writing 400 total). She then mailed them to total strangers, with the letter glued to the outside of the envelope so that the mailman, and people the recipient lived with could read them as well. And she explained the concept behind the project quite nicely.

She said it had something to do with crossing space and the intimacy that our society lacks, and "training herself to feel". At first the phrasing of that made me scoff a little and I was like "Psh! You can't train yourself to feel!" But later, she said something that really made everything completely inspiring and made me really, really adore the project:

"In the same way that part of art school training is training your eye to take in and process the world around you, to stop and notice things, to learn how to really see , I wanted to train my heart to really feel. Some romantics are wincing now: how can you train your heart? It's a lot like training your eye: there was always that crack in the sidewalk, you just never noticed before the way that the lines trace like lightning bolts, the starkness of the light grey concrete, and the blackness of the crevices, the perfect intricacies of it all. There are always connections between people, things to admire in people, trust that goes unnoticed, small kindnesses, shared silences. There is always so much to see, and there is always so much to feel."

And so I've decided to be a total copy-cat and take a whack at this myself. Because I think it's kind of beautiful, really. And I'm hoping that doing this will teach me how to find something good and worthy of love in everyone I meet. I've realized (fairly) recently that I have way too much hate...I don't want to say that, because that's not exactly accurate. Here: I've realized that I judge people to easily and too harshly, and tend to forget that everyone deserves love.

I'm not sure I want to send the letters to strangers, though...I'll come up with something different I suppose. I definitely do want these letters to get out there, because I feel like it would kind of be cheating if I just let them sit around and not be read by anyone. Some of them will probably end up going to the people I write them about, but most of them will find some other form of publication I think...

For now, I'm going to set my goal at the original project's 300, though ideally I'd like to write 365. One a day for a year seems like a nice amount. But I'll stick with 300 right now, and we'll see what happens once I get to the end of that.

I'm finding myself really excited by this! I think I'll go write my first letter now.

I'm bored! And 60% girly!

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:19:26 GMT

Stolen from the loverly Koofish.

What you have:
[ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish
[x] You own a designer purse (It was a present...honestly, I think it's ass-ugly)
[ ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[ ] You had/have fake nails
[ ] You have more hair products and body products than you can use
[x ] Your pet is a chihuahua/Pomeranian/Bishon/Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything
[x] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet
[X] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp.
[x] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[x] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets (I have one at home.)

Total: 6

Do you:
[ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work
[X] Have had a hair color that is not natural
[x] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day
[ ] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it
[x] Constantly keep your phone at your side
[x] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home
[X] Have a name for your car
[ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"

Total: 11

Do you love:
[ ] Makeup
[x] Glitter
[ ] The Color Pink
[x] Jewelry
[ ]Mirrors
[ ] Chick flicks
[ ]Shoes
[x] Rainbows
[X] Unicorns
[x] Disney Movies
[x]Flowers
[X]Stuffed Animals
[ ] Purses

Total: 18

Do you shop at:
[ ] Coach
[ ] Forever 21
[x] Victoria's Secret
[ ] Guess
[ ] Claire's
[ ] Express
[x] Delia's
[ ] Hollister
[ ] American Eagle
[ ] Abercrombie & Fitch
[ ] Aeropostale

Total: 20

Do you say:
[x] Whatever
[x] Oh my gosh/goodness/god
[ ] Hun
[x] Wow
[ ] That's hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Bff
[ ] Cutie
[ ] Hottie
[ ] Skank(y)
[x] Totally
[x] Sure
[x] Fabulous

Total: 26

Do you read:
[ ] Cosmopolitan
[ ] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle Girl
[ ] Teen Vogue
[ ] People
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[ ] 17
[ ] people.com
[ ] usmagazine.com
[ ] popsugar.com
[ ] Pink Is The new.
[ ] teenvogue.com

total: 26

Do you love these:
[ ] Legally Blonde
[ ] Elizabethtown
[X] Mean Girls
[ ] Now & Then
[ ] The Notebook
[ ] A Walk to Remember
[ ] Sweet Home Alabama
[x] Where the Heart is
[ ]Just my luck
[ ]John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Center stage
[ ] Bring it On
[ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[ ] Mona Lisa Smile
[ ] My Girl

Total: 28

Do you really enjoy:
[x]America's Next Top Model
[x] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple Life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[ ] Sex & the City
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] The City
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[ ] Gilmore Girls
[ ] Degrassi

Grand Total: 30

COUNT UP HOW MANY YOU CHECKED. MULTIPLY IT BY 2.
Then repost this as I am ____% girly.

60 percent, eh...seems accurate enough for me :shrug:

I'm gonna go do my homework now.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:07:17 GMT

My math class had a quiz today, which took literally four minutes, and then we were allowed to go home. So now I get to kill time until my next class at 2...

I registered for classes today. It was kind of upsetting because most of the classes I had originally planned to take were closed, but I'm actually pretty happy with the schedule I managed to pick up anyway. It's a Tues/Thurs. only schedule again, which is SWEETNESS. That means lots of time to do school work (which I'll need since I'm taking five classes instead of four) and lots of time to work at the Aquadome...And now that Will and Katie Chapman don't work there anymore, I have to wonder to myself who will be supervising and making mucho moolahs...hopefully it'll be Blaha's most favourite employee ever...except for that one that lives in Maine most of the time. Aw, now I made myself sad...

Dear Katie, I miss you.

Anywho, my schedule for next semester is as follows:

Tuesday:

9:35 - 10:50: Early Modern France
11:00 - 12:15: Japanese III
1:50 - 3:05: Seminar in American Lit.
3:15 - 4:30: Government
4:45 - 6:00: Math 100

Thursday:

9:35 - 10:50: Early Modern France
11:00 - 12:15: Japanese III
12:25 - 1:15: Jap. III Lab.
1:50 - 3:05: Seminar in American Lit.
3:15 - 4:30: Government
4:45 - 6:00: Math 100

I'm excited about Early Modern France, since I do loves me that there revolution of theirs. Japanese is a super-funsies language, and my professor is adorable...and I just found out that because of how many Japanese classes I'll have to take to be able to fulfill my language requirements for graduation, I'll technically be receiving a B.A. in Japanese...which could potentially be useful at some point in my future...if I ever re-decide that I want to go teach English in Japan despite how difficult living there would be for a non-Asian woman...

I'm not at all excited about Seminar in American Lit. I really, really dislike what qualifies as American Literature...which is probably a weird thing to hear an English major say, but...deal with it. It was, unfortunately, the only English course available that both met requirements and was not taught by Nicole Fluhr. She did announce to our class today that she's preggers, though, and won't be teaching in the fall, so maybe I'll check out when those classes she was supposed to be teaching are and see if they fit into my schedule. On the plus side, from what I make of the course description, we'll pretty much be independently studying a certain author/topic the whole semester, so I'll at least be able to find something interesting to spend my time on during that class.

The other two are generic university requirements and I'll most likely spend a lot of my time in those classes writing/sleeping/generally not paying attention.

It makes me real sad that I dislike Nicole Fluhr as much as I do...today was actually a fun class, and I had a pretty nice discussion with her afterwards...but everything she believes about literature and admires about it is just exactly the opposite of my views on the subject, and she has a lot of trouble accepting opinions that don't confirm to hers.

But today, we had to read a story called "The True History of the Notorius Mr. Hyde" which is narrated by Mr. Hyde, who claims that he and Dr. Jekyll aren't actually the same person, and that Jekyll is the evil one and corrupted Hyde, then faked his own death and wrote The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and just let Robert Louis Stevenson take credit for it. It was a really weird story, and I hated it...and was one of only four people in the class who actually read it. So Nicole told everyone who hadn't read it to leave, and the four of us who hadn't been dipshits had a really nice discussion with her about the level of homoeroticism in the story, which was completely off-base from what she wanted to talk about, but still fun since it wasn't our usual "let's sit around and listen to the professor summarize the plot and not discuss anything else". We also had to do a reading about the different categories of novels, and I had some questions about antinovels, since the description in our textbook wasn't really clear. That lead to a fantastic cooperative rant about how awful Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce is, which made me realize exactly how depressing it is that Nicole usually fails so much at leading literary discussions and accepting that there can be differing opinions in this field of study...but at least the experience softened by dislike for her, I guess.

Ugh. I still have an hour before class starts, and I've no idea what to do with myself. Maybe I'll go get some lunch...I totally have time to run somewhere real quick and get some not-stupid food...

Sounds like a plan, methinks.